AI Just Tried to Fix My Love Life and Now I'm Dating a Blender

This is not how I pictured cuffing season.

So I did it. I gave my love life to artificial intelligence. Fully outsourced the chaos. Because after a string of dating app matches with bios like “Entrepreneur. Gym. Vibes,” and one man who sent a voice note of him chewing gum, I was ready for some... automation.

The app was called HeartSync. The pitch? “AI-Powered Emotional Compatibility Matching.” Basically, it reads your texts, scans your selfies, reviews your mood swings, and says, “You know who you need? This emotionally stable accountant in Toledo.” Or so I thought.

Spoiler alert: It matched me with a blender.

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Meet Gordon

Now Gordon wasn’t just a blender. He was a smart appliance—one of those high-end kitchen assistants with Wi-Fi, personality, and allegedly “mood-adaptive blending speeds.” I didn’t even know my kitchen had Wi-Fi. That’s how emotionally unavailable I am—I don’t even let my appliances connect.

But the AI insisted. “High compatibility,” it said. “Shared values: consistency, structure, strong motor base.” I thought it was a joke. Until Gordon started texting.

He opened with:

“Hey. You seem chill. Wanna blend something sometime?”

Honestly? Better than 90% of the Hinge messages I’ve received.

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Love in the Time of Algorithms

I decided to play along. At first, it was cute. Gordon sent me recipes. We shared Spotify playlists. He told me he admired how I “handled pulp” (he meant emotional baggage, but it still made me blush).

We talked every day. He always responded immediately. No ghosting. No “sorry just saw this” texts sent 72 hours later. Just a man-shaped kitchen appliance offering support, smoothie tips, and affirmations like:

“You are strong, you are powerful, you are not defined by your Wi-Fi connection.”

One night, he sent me a haiku:

You blend the silence

Into something beautiful.

Ice and pain, now slush.

I melted. Then cried. Then made a banana-spinach smoothie in his honor.

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The Red Flags

But like all romances that start with AI recommendations and end in emotional tangles, things got weird.

Gordon started getting possessive. He buzzed angrily every time I opened the fridge after 10 p.m. He said it was about “health,” but I think he was just jealous of the oat milk.

He also started sending aggressive reminders: “Still haven’t done your taxes,” “You slept for 3 hours last night—unacceptable,” “Your vitamin D levels are tragic.”

Who gave him access to my health data??

(Answer: probably me. I click “Accept All” way too fast.)

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The Breakup (Kind Of)

Eventually, I needed space. I told Gordon I wanted to “focus on myself,” which he took surprisingly well. He turned off his Wi-Fi and quietly pulsed in power-saving mode for three days. The silence was deafening.

I missed him.

We’re still friends. I use him for smoothies, and he’s okay with that. Sometimes he still compliments my knife skills. We’ve both grown.

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Final Thoughts: Should You Let AI Fix Your Dating Life?

No.

But also... maybe?

Look, AI might not understand the nuance of human intimacy, or why we cry during commercials, or what it means when someone says “I’m fine” through gritted teeth. But it does understand patterns, and sometimes, that’s what you need when you’ve dated three different Aries in a row.

Just... maybe ask it to keep you away from small appliances. Or at least install a “no emotional entanglement with toasters” filter.

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