How to Pretend You're a Functioning Adult (Even If You Just Googled ‘How to Boil Eggs’)

"Faking Adulthood: A Masterclass by Me, Who Just Used Febreze as Cologne."

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Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff, nodding confidently while panicking internally, and pretending your laundry pile is modern art.

Here’s my foolproof guide to appearing like a real adult—even if you still say “heck yeah” when the toaster works.

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Step 1: Buy a Plant.

It doesn’t matter if it lives. Just own one. Bonus points if it’s dead but still in the pot. That says, “I tried… and failed… just like every adult ever.”

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Step 2: Set Alarms for Everything.

Wake up? Alarm. Take meds? Alarm. Blink twice before 3 p.m.? You guessed it—alarm.

If your phone doesn’t sound like a fire drill by noon, are you even managing life?

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Step 3: Talk About Taxes.

You don’t have to understand them—just say things like “I really need to get my receipts in order.”

Everyone will nod. No one knows what that means.

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Step 4: Grocery Shop With a Basket, Not a Cart.

This screams “I’m only here for essentials” while you cry in aisle seven over ice cream being $6.49.

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Step 5: Say ‘Let’s Circle Back.’

At work, in texts, even to your dog. “Let’s circle back” = “I will absolutely forget about this.”

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Final Thought:

Being an adult isn’t about having it together. It’s about looking like you might eventually have it together… while eating cereal for dinner and calling it “minimalist cuisine.”